Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
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dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.