You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
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Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.