Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Breaking news:
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody