“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
¯_(ツ)_/¯
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances