@funnyordie Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
@9to5Life “911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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@funnyordie 
@3sunzzz Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
@MarioInAZ Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
@AbrasiveGhost WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
@TragicAllyHere You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
@Chhapiness Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
@kelkulus Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
@FatRandy69 If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
@KyleMcDowell86 [Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
@rachelle_mandik HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.