@9to5Life

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

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@funnyordie

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

@3sunzzz

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

@MarioInAZ

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

@AbrasiveGhost

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

@TragicAllyHere

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

@Chhapiness

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

@kelkulus

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

@FatRandy69

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

@rachelle_mandik

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.