Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board