I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
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I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
no one likes gloating
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.