My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
saving face 👀
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…