I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
mmm onion ringos
i did the math
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything