I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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My blood type is coffee.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
shampoo implies shampee
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Legend 🤣🤣
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one