“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message