GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*