My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from