*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
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Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.