A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
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why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
i want to work in this restaurant
August 8
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable