if my sleeping schedule was a person
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He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”![]()
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.