if my sleeping schedule was a person
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My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
A dead goose is called a ghoost
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.