if my sleeping schedule was a person
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
That was easy.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat