Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
dam girl
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.