Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
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Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious