The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?