It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.