Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
did it work
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
This has made my week.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME