DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!