My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Science memes
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”