Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Is this the real life?
Is this just
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.