@ddsmidt When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
@oneawkwardmom I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
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@ddsmidt 
@Breadery I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
@Brianhopecomedy Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
@Lottie_Poppie My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
@UncleBob56 Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
@geowizzacist House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
@UncleDuke1969 To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
@TheTweetOfGod The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
@DaveSirus Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
@LorieGZ My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.