If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.