*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken