I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
okay run it by me one more time
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
humans only use 10% of their treadmills