Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
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“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Otters see a butterfly.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.