I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”