Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
HERE’S MARKY
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Wise advice
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.