I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
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Merica.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
*mops up wine with cat*
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter