Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
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People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Ferrari squats
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.