My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.