Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
You Might Also Like
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler