spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own