Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Damn what did I do next
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!