Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Shortcut
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM