Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
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Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Merica.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”