i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings