Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.