Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?