stand with me against insufficient seating
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GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I love art.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.