I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what