I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Mad Max: Furry Road
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.