Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
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Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.