Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Feels
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs