“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared