Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!