Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.