They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Ion see the issue
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Can Happiness buy money?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”