It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You Might Also Like
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Breaking news:
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
and now we wait
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?